Monday, January 26, 2009

I'm angry that...

So today while watching Oprah, I got a great idea for a post. She had overweight teens and their parents on to discuss how they feel about the teens' overweight issue. (I feel like my ability to write anything English is slowly fading from me, so in advance I apologize if this makes no sense.) Back to the topic. So there was one exercise/activity this therapist couple had the teens do. She modeled it with the first teen and herself. She stood in front of the teen and said to yell the phrase "I'm angry that...." and they had to finish it. It got so emotional that I even started to cry (and lately it doesn't take much to make me cry). I blame the hormones for my moods.

So this is my post on "I'm so angry that....."

I'm so angry that my sisters are able to finish school while I am at home with the same routine day in and day out.
I'm so angry that I always have to ask for permission to do things from my hubby while other wives I know have cars and cell phones.
I'm so angry that I am dependent on my hubs to get stuff for me and take me places.
I'm so angry that my hubby and daddy work so hard for their money and it just goes with the wind or to greedy, ungrateful people.
I'm so angry that I see history repeating it self through my life all that I have witnessed in my dad's.
I'm so angry that I get angry at my kids easily, where patience was my virtue when my mil was here. She even bragged about it when she was here and when she went back home.
I'm so angry that my kids wake up crying and this was not always the case. Someone jinxed them.
I'm so angry that I have all this anger inside of me and I don't know how to direct it or make it go away.
I'm so angry sometimes that I just start crying for no reason at all (as my hubby says).
I'm so angry I'm pregnant again when I can't even handle the kids I have.
I'm so angry at all people who criticize me in a mean or negative way. There are nice ways to give constructive criticism and not be mean.
I'm so angry that I don't know what to do with my life. I have no idea what to do with myself and if I want to finish school or just be an at home mom.
I'm so angry about being confused about life and all.
I'm so angry that when me and the hubs have an argument how it can be twisted in so many knots til the blame is put on me whether I had blame in it or not.
I'm so angry that I do so much and feel unappreciated or the work I do is overlooked. I'm not saying I should get a high-five always but once in a while is nice.
I'm so angry that I can't easily fall asleep at night. (I purposely stay up late, waiting for my hubs to get home so I can sleep next to him and still wake up for fajr and no sleep after fajr, so basically my bedtime is 2 am to 8 am, if I'm lucky maybe 9, never 10).
I'm so angry that my computer is acting up and going slow.
I'm so angry that I did not enjoy my single life more.
I'm so angry that I did not enjoy the hubs and mine alone time more before having kids.
I'm so angry that I have this hatred inside for a girl who could care less about me and my feelings.

This is feeling very cathartic and cleansing for me. Its like a heavy weight has been lifted off of my heart and shoulders. This is going to sound very contradictory but now I have thought of listing all the things that I am grateful for because who likes an ungrateful brat. Not me, that's for sure.

I am grateful that I have a wonderful, supporting husband. He is someone I've always wanted with all the characteristics. I even have proof of it on paper.

I am grateful that my kids are wonderful and sweet as ever. My son gives me kisses or anyone who looks down. He is a big hugger too. He kisses out of nowhere. My daughter is beyond intelligent when it comes to talking and observing. That girl is going to be a handful when she grows up if she is anything like her stubborn, opinionated mom.

I am grateful for my parents who are still alive, well and healthy. My dad has diabetes but controls it for the most part. My mom is getting old too and it shows. She is tired often and her patience is wearing very thin lately but she still puts up with all of us. One very brave woman. My dad, may Allah bless them both with long and happy lives, is a superhero who is taking care of 3 families all on his own, with very little complaining (I said little).

I am grateful that I can get pregnant so fast while I know people who need doctors to help them with conceiving. There is one couple I know who has been trying for 3 months and no luck. Another mom who wants to get pregnant but has no help with her 2 kids now, another one would be too much for her. Maybe when the little one goes to school, only Allah knows.

I am grateful for the crazy, yet dear friends and very dear sisters and one, lonely brother (jk, but he is an only son) that I can share anything with. They keep me sane and distracted when all I want to do is cry all day long.

I am grateful for my health, having two hands and feet that get me through my day. Also for my mental state that is in good working condition because there are some people out there who have no peace inside of them and seeing them makes you sad inside more.


Jerry said...

Nice.. i can feel your emotions thru it. <3

Mrs. Cullen said...

i liked this post. i liked how u included things u were grateful for at the end. i am sorry you feel so angry. i feel angry too most of the time. i was sad when i read this:

I'm so angry that I did not enjoy my single life more.

because i wannna get married ahhhhhhhhh

MarjnHomer said...

enjoy ur single life becz marriage is hard and no one tells you this...but its fun too becz you always have someone to run to and share ur experiences with.

Mutmainnah said...

This is so damn sad. I am happy that you are grateful for us though, but the first thing you were angry about makes me always think. Sometimes I Think that amma doesnt wnat me to go to school. and I laways have second thoguhts of going to. Sigh.

MarjnHomer said...

maybe you should do an I'm angry that post. You dont have to show anyone but just writing it out or screamin it out to someone is soooooooooooooo cleansing and helps to get all those yucky emotions out. Don't doubt going to school because in the long run, its all worth it. You don't wanna be like man why didnt I go when I had the chance. Sometimes you have to live your life too, whether it pleases others or not. We all try our best to please our parents but we are human too and have our own live to think of.

DEFENDrights said...

I am going to come back and read your post but I just wanted to say thank you for the comment on my site :)

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DEFENDrights said...

This was an excellentt post

And for the things that you hated that you counted counteract with why you were grateful, well I am sure you will figure out a way to change those things

&& congrats and good luck on the pregnancy InshaAllah you will be fine!

D said...

I also saw that Oprah and thought how cleansing it must feel. Good for you having the courage to actually write it all down!

MarjnHomer said...

it was so cleansing and felt wonderful after i was done. i need to do it weekly but i dont know if i will..

Faith in Writing said...

That was such a great post!! I can relate to so many of your angry things, and also to the other side. Especially the part about getting pregnant. It really is a blessing when you see the women who try for years... and some of us are BANG. Thanks to God.

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